Quarter Life Musings

I wrote this earlier this afternoon while I was in the office, idling away into a void. There are days like such at work. Oh, but that's a day in my life lately. The amount of work spikes and dips like crazy, which solely depends on the demands of my boss. Not that he demands in-a-bad-way-demands for things to be done, he's a nice boss! *buyaaag, knocks on wood*

Anyway, it's the eve of my 21st birthday, and for the first time in weeks, I shall post an entry in my seemingly neglected cyberspace of a blog.

It's the eve of my 21st birthday and for the first time in weeks, I have decided to write down all my musings that have been on my mind for a couple of months now.

It has been just a little over a month when I defended my thesis; yes, my thesis that has plagued this blog for almost a year! Before my thesis term happened, I vowed to focus, focus, and focus! Having no more than three academic units that term when thesis started, I certainly had no other responsibilities, save for my beloved Green Media Group (GMG). Since then, I seem to have lost connection to the outside world. It's not like I lost my social life totally (because I admit I lost half of it) or that I suddenly decided to become a hermit or hide under a rock; it's more like living life entirely and solely for the completion of thesis. For seemingly endless months, thesis had been my life.

I won't delve on thesis any more since, like I said, this blog is full of it. If you track back until around say, September 2010 in Retrospective Perspective (archives), and you'll find the answers to all your questions. Haha!

Anyway, that part of my life is over and done, but the heartache lives on, insiiiide. TOTALLY KIDDING. (If you're someone I really get along with, admit it, you sang that part. Haha.) Seriously, now that it's over and done, I have been thinking about a lot of things: from the past, all those mistakes and learning from them; the present, how thankful or spiteful I have become toward a lot of things; and the future, what lies ahead as I linger in this uncertain present.

This isn't exactly "quarter life crisis" like what a few of my peers say that they're currently experiencing or recently have undergone. For one, I see no crisis in my situation; and two, let me save us the argument by saying that the average lifespan of a human being is about 80 years old, so I can definitely say that at 20, this is quarter life. Haha!

I have done way too many things in only two decades. Presenting, my life summary so far.

For the earlier part of my life, I may have only acted according to somebody else's will (say, my parents) because they say it's what's right or it's for the best. Also during my childhood, I probably just thought, acted, and spoke the way that society and culture expected me to. Looking back on that part of my childhood, I have no regrets. I was just a kid after all. I can even say that I have had a great childhood. You know, nothing tragic like homes catching fire or serious illnesses; nothing extraordinary like winning the lottery as well. I couldn't have asked for anything more when I was born into a loving home with a dad and mom who love each other unwaveringly to create a nurturing environment, and a brother who I share a love-hate relationship with; you know how siblings are.

When I finally learned to think, act, and speak out of my own volition, I also began to realize how complex the seemingly simple things have become. Maybe they were complicated to start with and I was just too young to realize it; or that they have always been pretty easy and I have grown to be the eccentric over-thinking being that I am. Either way, I have no regrets. I have done stupid things that cost me and some others their valuable time, effort, and energy; something I'm not very proud of, but we all have those skeletons in our closets, don't we? Yet I make sure to never let it surface. I have become a beacon of negativity during a short phase of my adolescent life. That's one thing I would prefer to be erased from my memory, but that would mean I won't learn from it.

I can proudly say that I am not that person anymore. Well, at least when it came to perspectives about life in general. Dad constantly reminds my brother and I about, beyond physics, how the law of attraction (The Secret by Rhonda Byrne) will keep us motivated about anything we set our minds to; and mom makes sure we don't just hear dad's words of wisdom but actually listen to it and live it.

The new chapter of my life when I started studying at the university back in 2007 was a turning point for most of what and how I am now. College changed me from that wallflower back in high school. 2008 didn't make much positive difference, though, making a big leap from awesome to plain ohmygod-why-is-this- happening. Gladly, 2009 was the year of recovery and recuperation, the year of steady! Come 2010, my college batch mates started graduating and gettin jobs, while I, completing my course curriculum requirements stayed at university and making good use of my spare time being immersed and trying to be useful to GMG. Thesis was set to commence that year as well. The rest is history, let's leave it at that. Haha, you know it when you know about it and my lips stay sealed; I'd love to give my emotions a break! Haha.

As for 2011... Brace yourself for the cliche. It is a rollercoaster ride.

Inexplicable level of stress. Too much unnecessary drama. Bewildering spontaneity. That and everything else! I'd be exaggerating but it's safe to say that everything that can happen to me to make my life interesting has probably happened already.

And most recently, my forthcoming graduation from the university, finally. October 15, 2011, mark it.

Highest of highs and lowest of lows, thirteen terms of going to and from both ends of the emotional spectrum is the best four years and three months of my life. For everything, regardless of anything, I am and will forever be grateful! Thank you, Lord.

Today, I say good bye and thank you for the irreplace much more and memorable twenty years! And cheers to you for being a proactive part of my life. Cheers to creating a lot more of those in the years to come!

See you around in this voyage to greatness!

Doing What You Love

There are certain things that seem ordinary to a lot of people but not to you. It ignites the tiniest spark of interest that grows into this uncontrollable wildfire of ideas that results into an overwhelming mass of motivation and eventually, fulfillment.

Most people won't give a hoot that I love exhausting myself with backstage and media productions. In fact, some might hate such activity. No matter how much hassle it is when interspersed with college and family responsibilities among other things, I do it for the love of giving into what makes me happy. Sure, the demands can be improbable, but that doesn't mean I can't improvise to make the tasks possible; tried and tested, my friend: four years! I lived through four years of bureaucracy by bending but never breaking rules because I know I will only be truly happy to know that I tried and risked, at the least. I do what I do because I love how people of all walks of life become a part of my success and fulfillment.

By doing what you love, you add a little extra effort in and the inevitable extra exhaustion hits rock bottom to the point of power depletion. Doing what you love makes all the effort and energy spent worthwhile! The payoff is always the trophy and gold medal to your seemingly endless marathon, knowing that from the gun start, you have been determined to breeze through it all to the end.

Sometimes, though, I feel that what I do is thankless. (Believe you me, I'm not yearning for credit where it's un/due; four years with my school org taught me that. It's just that I'm a person, too, and I hit rock bottom sometimes. Haha.)

I worked as production assistant today, to a project that my friend is producing, care of the production company she's currently connected with. And I realized that the thanklessness I felt/feel is not always the case with the industry I'm moving around in. It depends with the client/people you're dealing with, the weight of the workload, and the massive amount of pressure upon your shoulders.

In contrast to what I experienced with previous projects (I'm not about to specify where these projects took place and who are involved, haha), today taught me that regardless of your passion in what you do, external forces (such as people's understanding of your task, purpose, or whatnot) determine the intensity of fulfillment that awaits you in the end.

When people understand what, why, and how you do what you love, you're on the way to trashing the idea that your productiveness equates to nothing more than just exhaustion! Ultimately, just make sure you do it out of your own free will and not obligation or coercion. What matters is what's practical and I say practical is whatever makes your heart leap for joy. ;)

. . .

An ellipsis is a series of marks that calls for an intentional omission of words, or a provocation of thought, whatnot. Right now, an ellipsis best describes my current state of... Speechlessness? Oh, not even. The fact that I have these words now makes it null.

It's just that... I can't bring myself to be any more forcibly optimistic in the same way that I can't let myself delve into pessimism.

I am capable only of apathy and numbness; I incessantly fall into a pit of endless space that I can't seem to decide whether I'm sinking or floating. I cannot decide if what I see is black, white, or gray. I don't know if it's colored, either. Even my knowledge of colors seem to be subject of doubt.

Un-think, un-think, un-think, please... All these undesirable musings; these musings that do not seem far from reality. It comes into full circle, I realize, as reality, yet again, proves to be unworthy of cognitive desire. But it has not happened yet. I hope it won't, that mind-boggling possibility.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm barely holding on to you.

I can't sleep. I'm too busy fighting with the demons in my head.

Dream Drought

Dance of Dreams - Acrylic on canvas by Josephine

A friend once told me that our dreams are sort of premonitions to reality. We don't exactly remember the dream but it feels like it's already been experienced by our minds, and our minds tell us it's a feeling of deja vu; a sensation of vague familiarity. But why are there dreams that we do remember? Notice how those that we remember tend to be strange, unreal, and well, dreamy? I'm not an expert on dreams or whatever, but here's my take: we remember them because they simply are weird enough to happen in the real world; it stands out like a green apple among red ones! (American Idol 10's Brett reference. Haha.)

I think the subconscious dictates most of what our Mr. Sandman brings into our sleep. In the same way, bothersome thoughts and other worries do the same. So do the entire spectrum of feelings we experience each day, especially those that surface easily. Here's a conversation I had with my best buddy last night (well it was mostly me talking hahaha):

Slow Down

My third year high school Christian Living teacher's status in Facebook this afternoon:

There will always be deadlines, pressures, and work. So ask yourself, "What did you do today that will last?" Do you live your life doing what is urgent, or doing what is important?

This made me pause. I sat back and reflected. It's always a breather to see things like this. It makes me rethink my purpose, evaluate my priorities, and fuel my motivation.

I Love College

I know I've been wanting out for quite a while now, but thinking about the responsibilities that await... Nah. I don't ever wanna rush college. Ever. Sure, there'd be times I'd fee like shiz and just give up. I know in the end it's not that easy after college anyway.

There's never an easy way out of anything. However, though, there will always be temporary bliss; especially when you're with people you love!

Orgcom, cheers!

(Photo by Therese Ong @ Rooftop, 7:00ish PM)

College friends, drinks, memories! Cheers to college!

Musings And More Musings

My legs are still sore from yesterday. It was such a long day! I went to: a meeting, a digital film screening, a lunch date and bonding with my guy best friend, an orientation for our office's sports fest, a celebratory bonding escapade with a few GMG, a theater decorum video shoot, a dinner date with an old friend and my other guy best friend, a meet up with a few course mates. There was so much walking around involved. I was dead tired when I got home.

And today, I wasn't able to sleep in like I usually do on weekends. I had to go wherever my family planned to go because they said so. Agghh. Dad had leather car seat covers customized, brother bought new shoes again. As form Mom, she wasn't much of a spender today, as well as I. Maybe we have other plans for tomorrow. Haha.

In line with yesterday and today's events, I muse:

• I missed Bru a whole damn lot. I got to see him for a couple of hours or so yesterday and of course, it was super bitin! More soon, I hope.
• Give me one day with the right set of people and I could rapidly kill a body organ.
• We never seek for anything that's already there because obviously, it's just simply there. But we never stop seeking for anything because maybe that's how we were made to function. How else is the act of seeking significant if we get satisfied with what's here and now? (I think I lost my train of thought after the first sentence of this soup-y bullet.)
• Over dinner, AJ, Laine, and I had a meaningful topic for conversation: How do you know that you really, really, really like somebody? Like, how can you gauge? Isn't it solely subjective? We all had different takes on the issue and we never found a conclusion to it. Maybe it shall be an open question forever. Or at least until we're sure about it anyway. Hmm, food for thought.
• My friend Tracy asked me last night how I was, after not being able to see each other regularly since she and almost everyone else already graduated: "Kamusta ka?" And I, "Uhm, okay lang. Just school-bahay. Haha! You?" She said, "Wala, steady. Uhm, work. So, love life?" And I, "Huh! Wala, boring nga eh!" And Tracy goes, "Kahit crush?" Me, "Eh... Wala talaga. I mean, like, meron pero walang balak. Walang plano." Then AJ chimed in, "Walang pag-asa?" And I go, "Yes! Exactly!" And Tracy wins the conversation with, "Ang meron lang tayo ay wala!" Actually, I just wanted to say how I think she's so right on so many aspects.

Overdrive

My life, academic and extra-curricular, is on overdrive. It seems like every aspect of living in this now is pushing me too hard. I know my limits, I respect it. But my responsibilities do not recognize its presence. How much more do I expect these responsibilities to respect my limits? In fact, I don't expect anything from it at all. I have no problem with that. It's the people who abuse these responsibilities who give me the headache. This is not insubordination; I just wanna say it, and perhaps reassure myself, that I am a sane and logical human person. I will do what is expected of me to the best of my abilities. But I just wish that people would realize that they've been pushing too far and hard against my self-imposed limits.

I'm on a cliff. It's exciting to be where I am but if I ever decide to jump off it, leave me be. Don't push me. Let me go on my own terms.

Since I'm on the topic of drive... We sold the car. I still don't have a driver's license. Relevance of photo? Nothing. Just something for me to remember it by.

42 Pesos

I am officially a peasant. I panicked as I was about to leave for school because I realized that I had no money at all. I had to pry the lid of my coin bank and stole petty change from the counter, just to secure my transportation fee of P21 to- and another P21 from home and school respectively.

Imagine if even one one peso coin dropped from my pocket. I wouldn't have made it home. Haha. Sure, I can, but in this heat? Even the rain isn't cooling down the air.

Ultimately, I valued money today more than I ever have valued any material thing. I know it's all just material things and they're not supposed to matter as much as non-material things in this world. But hey, reality check, it's only practical to look beyond that.

Value money for money has value.

Not Bitter, Just Annoyed

I made a promise that I would never write out of impulse because I can't take them back and there would be so much to regret over in the end. This time can be an exception because it's about something I'm sure of, no matter what happens. For the sake identity censorship, yes, I'm nice like that, I'll leave out their names and will try to be as less vague as possible.

I saw an exchange of comments over Facebook between a boy and a girl. The girl posted a video where only the boy was tagged. I'm certain that it's something I'm not supposed to see because of reasons I'd rather keep to myself. So anyway, the video was apparently about the girl greeting the boy a happy monthsary (see, that's not even a word. Haha.) The boy goes loco, OMG OMG thank you, I love you, I love you, I love you. La la la. And so the girl went, blah blah blah, I love you, too!

And then the boy goes I love you one more time.

Okay, I'm not bitter because I don't have a boy I can say that to. Believe me, there are times that I long for someone but I'm totally fine having none at the moment. Anyway, the point is, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed neither at the way they conversed, nor with the million I love yous that I felt was empty, but at the fact that they do not have an inkling of an idea what the hell love means. I'm sure about this, okay? Fine, so what if they're just both 15 (clue right there), I've said those words to someone when I was just 14. But then, years later, I came to situations and experiences where I realized that I didn't mean it then because it was not love after all.

Who am I to talk about love that I reserve my right to be irked at "false" love? And who am I to say what's love and what love is not? I do not know who I am to say so, I cannot tell if I have the credibility, but I sure as hell know what love felt like. I know the boy, he doesn't know what love is.

Too Little Or Too Much?

I hate how I run out of words to say/blog about. I mean, I don't get why I hesitate to write about anything when this blog is not only a personal outlet to vent out with or document my daily life, but it's a blog that worships randomness. Spontaneity is the key! I think I've been thinking too much lately.

I couldn't write because either I have too little (or none) to talk about; or there's just too much happening with my days this week.

So here. Musings:

• Today, my dad registered me, my mom, and three friends in the upcoming Mizuno Infinity Run 2010 happening this April 11 at The Fort, Bonifacio Global City. No singlet included but there's a finisher's shirt. Hmm. I wonder if I'd fit in a small-sized singlet. Haha.
• I've been doing my personally-crafted "training program" for the last couple of days. This exercise routine includes sit-ups, leg-raises, touch-toe bending, and leg stretching for at least 15 minutes twice per day. I guess I'm still on my personal best high.
• The responsibility I have with GMG just increased |<---infinity---THIS MUCH---infinity--->| since two weeks ago after the proclamation, I'm fully aware of that. But I didn't expect the responsibility to actually kick in this early! I'm going loco.
  
• I sort of lost drive in watching American Idol since I missed it last week. Maybe I'd tune in again when it's near the finals. Heh.
• I've read an article by Winnie Monsod about why she will vote for Noy. She pointed out interesting facts that I think the Filipino people should really consider. Come on. For the good of the country, please? I'm not saying explicitly that I'm for Noy, I just agree that Monsod had good points. Swakto.
  
• Summer is near. I'm not hitting the beach. I want something interesting to do! Shout out: Sis and Beggie! Lunch-movie-coffee date? Sure yan ah. Haha. :)

Thazzit for now, love.

On Satisfaction

We never get satisfied, do we? I have always said and believed that it is human nature to never get that certain level of satisfaction. It's not a bad thing, though. This only urges us to

1. do something even greater than what we already have,
2. to motivate ourselves to be better,
3. and to constantly move forward toward change.

Change is a constant thing in this world, after all, so the cliche goes. In my opinion, when humans fail to be contented, it usually deals with one's selfishness and personal interest. Simply, it is just the WANTS that make us ever so inconsistent.

A timely, concrete, and apt example is the fact that here in Metro Manila, we ask for something and we're given the extreme. We wish for a little bit of sun during the wet season to fight off floods and whatnot. Ugh, typhoon season, the weather is just so awful. During the summer season, we wish for the slightest cool gust to touch our faces because the sun is more than scorching. Behold, we get an El Nino instead.

The heat is unbearable. I wish I could stay in the shower all day.

Fate...

... is something I hardly believe in. It is something that I resort to only when logic (and all else) fails. It's simply like throwing myself into an abyss, a bottomless pit, just because I was too lazy to make sense of it.

It's driven me before, and it seems to a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I, am beginning to find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
with open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I'll be there...

Drive
Incubus

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. I'll try my best but no guarantees. You can expect my open arms and open eyes, though. ;)

Magnetic

I saw this while I was clicking around Tumblr. From a friend's Tumblr to another to someone random to a fan blog to another random person to this. ;)

Anonymous asked: Couple years ago, I fell in love with a girl, I'm a girl. Even before that, I felt the pull towards both sexes, but I never really acknowledged the fact that I could entertain thoughts of being lesbian, or bisexual, at least. Me and the girl dated but there was never an official "us" because I think we were both too chicken to make the first move. LOL, losers, sorry. Anyway, so I was madly in love with her more than my ex-boyfriend who I broke up with couple of years before the girl and I dated. We have never engaged in anything sexual, but it was more like an emotional relationship; we loved mutually. We weren't vocal about it cos I'm not out, and she's... Well, she never says anything about her sexuality but you can say that what we had in common was that we made people raise eyebrows. Heh-heh.

My point is that some of my friends say that I'm not bisexual until I engaged in a sexual relationship with a girl. Doesn't the loving-her-more-than-I-loved-him count? Truth be told, I had more carnal desires for her than with him. They conclude that I'm only bi-curious.

It does count. Your story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Nothing of importance, really. I couldn't explain why I felt the urge to post this, either. You know those times when there's this weird magnetic pull around you? That's exactly what this felt like. La la la la la.

Some Announcements

I put up my old Cbox just this evening. I didn't want to sign up for a new account since I've stuck to the old Blogger URL anyway. What I did to this blog is that I deleted every entry prior to February 9, the day I resurrected this page; clean slate, revamped! I was struggling to find out back at Cbox.ws on how to delete all my Cbox messages from more than a year ago. Man, this experience is so 2008. I was a wretched mess. Ugh. *shudder*

So for a change, I wanted to just keep all the old messages. I don't mind that the last posted message was from a year and four months ago. October 2008. Gaaahhh. It's just too much memories for me.

That's it, actually. I just wanted to say that I've a chat box again. You can hit me up there anytime. You may remain anonymous, I don't mind. Oh, and I'll be plugging my Formspring.me page. I know, I know. It must be the most self-gratifying internet page on the planet and I indulge in it. Some questions are intelligent anyway, and they make me think when I'm already idle.

La la la. I didn't plan on making this entry long.

Advanced happy Valentine's day to all those who are celebrating a day of love with their significant other! Happy Single Awareness Day to all singles and bitter herbs out there. Haha. Kung Hei Fat Choi to all my Chinese (feng yeo) friends! (Or, uhh, Qung Xi Fa Tsai, if I remember it right? Haha, my Chinese xian xi/lau shr's will kill me! Hahaha!) Pardon me if I bastardized some Chinese words. I don't mean it; just trying to revive what's "left" of my Filipino-Chinese Catholic school education. Hahaha. ☮

Change

Hello.

My blog is reborn. Had you been a constant follower before (but I actually doubt that, haha), notice that I had the same URL and almost the same layout. Not much has changed, really. None except for the missing blogs from dear old 2008.

Since the year 2010 flew in, I have said that 2007 gave me a new soul; 2008 broke my heart; 2009 was a time of healing; and I patiently wait for whatever 2010 has to offer. Beggars can't be choosers. Besides, I think I've gone through a lot already and I'm confident that I'm ready to take on anything. Everything? Not really. Chill, cowboy, slow down. I plan to take it in stride. I still have my hangups. Hehe.

Word is that it's usually "out with the old, in with the new" when it comes to the subject of change. I never really liked change to play a role in my life. I was one who lingered in comfort zones. I learned to take risks. Yeah, that was an amazing feeling, realizing there's so much more outside my bubble. Maybe I enjoyed it too much cos I transformed into this impulsive semi-beast who does things without thinking them over. Ugh, 2008, don't remind me.

So that's when I learned that change is actually a good thing. It gets scary at times but when you get the hang of it, you'll see things in a whole different light. For me, I got more in touch with my experiential side. I never knew that my interests actually range from mundane to awesome to queer to weird to rare to la la la la la, I can go on forever.

There's a downside, though. I like change so much that my attention span got shorter. I'm a person of the extremes; I get so into something like there's nothing else that mattered but it lasts for a really short time. And then I'm back to square one. The process begins again. I'm pretty sure it won't end so soon.