Holding On

Whenever I complain or consider giving up (but not really), I hear from my family and friends the overused clichés that are: "Konting tiis na lang!" or "Malapit na! Kaya yan!" or "Hang in there!"

Given the Chairman's recent adjustment of my life plan (The Adjustment Bureau reference), I can only shrug my shoulders and reply: "Well, konting tiis pa pala." or "Malayo pa, pero one at a time. Kakayanin." or "That's what I've been doing; I'm gonna hang on some more."

When you've pretty much planned your life and some undesirable circumstances try to mess with it, you're up against the natural flow of fate. Or whatever it is that's trying to set your life on track. Sometimes it's just you, but you know, you can't have everything within your reach all the time. This time, it's out of my hands.

So I've press-released to my family and closest friends that I'll be finally graduating in June 2011, and suddenly, we had to defer our thesis for another term. So I won't be graduating in June, as planned; and I shall wait for October to get my hands on that college diploma. Who knows, we might be able to produce one hell of a thesis video as we are given more time to perfect it. I felt broken and devastated but I'm back on my feet and I have more heart and motivation to still be in the race.

Because really, there's nothing more to hold on to but my own determination, hard work, and positivity.

. . .

An ellipsis is a series of marks that calls for an intentional omission of words, or a provocation of thought, whatnot. Right now, an ellipsis best describes my current state of... Speechlessness? Oh, not even. The fact that I have these words now makes it null.

It's just that... I can't bring myself to be any more forcibly optimistic in the same way that I can't let myself delve into pessimism.

I am capable only of apathy and numbness; I incessantly fall into a pit of endless space that I can't seem to decide whether I'm sinking or floating. I cannot decide if what I see is black, white, or gray. I don't know if it's colored, either. Even my knowledge of colors seem to be subject of doubt.

Un-think, un-think, un-think, please... All these undesirable musings; these musings that do not seem far from reality. It comes into full circle, I realize, as reality, yet again, proves to be unworthy of cognitive desire. But it has not happened yet. I hope it won't, that mind-boggling possibility.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm barely holding on to you.

I can't sleep. I'm too busy fighting with the demons in my head.

Indie Un-Film 2011

Are you ready for a new perspective?
March 19, 2011
SM Mall of Asia, Cinema 1
Public screening at 2:00 PM - 5:00 PM
Awarding ceremony at 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM
Ticket price: P200

Here are the finalists for the Indie Un-Film 2011!

Learn more about Indie Un-Film!

Website | Facebook | Twitter

See you there!

Dream Drought

Dance of Dreams - Acrylic on canvas by Josephine

A friend once told me that our dreams are sort of premonitions to reality. We don't exactly remember the dream but it feels like it's already been experienced by our minds, and our minds tell us it's a feeling of deja vu; a sensation of vague familiarity. But why are there dreams that we do remember? Notice how those that we remember tend to be strange, unreal, and well, dreamy? I'm not an expert on dreams or whatever, but here's my take: we remember them because they simply are weird enough to happen in the real world; it stands out like a green apple among red ones! (American Idol 10's Brett reference. Haha.)

I think the subconscious dictates most of what our Mr. Sandman brings into our sleep. In the same way, bothersome thoughts and other worries do the same. So do the entire spectrum of feelings we experience each day, especially those that surface easily. Here's a conversation I had with my best buddy last night (well it was mostly me talking hahaha):

Gotta Keep On Writing!

Missing in action over this blog for almost three weeks, I cannot stress any further how thesis and practicum has made me crazy-busy.

Thesis business has transcended from research and paper writing to scriptwriting and all the crazy pre-production requirements, and finally, shooting; and re-shooting this weekend! I hope we capture better shots this time around so it's all down to stitching all the clips together into a winner thesis video! Haha. And then there's practicum! It's not that taxing, really. I can't say much yet because I think I need to gather all my thoughts first, haha. But it's fun! The only thing I dislike about it is that I live so far away! (It's not even an aspect of practicum, I know. Haha.) Anyway, practicum days have become a process with regard to commuting: jeep-MRT-walk to the office, and then reverse on my way home.

I also love how my best friend and I don't get sick of each other or fight or whatever kahit araw araw na kaming nagkikita at buong araw magkasama. Hello, maybe that's why we're best friends? Haha. We have not run out of things to talk about, thank heavens. Or maybe because we can't help that our minds have the same brain works.